A letter to the King

I write this letter to you my King…

I hope these words can gain your presence once again. Things have not been as smooth since we last shared a table.

I feel the pain you have recently endured. You have struggled just as much as I have or even more.

I write to ease the pressure however, I also write to speak my truth.

Things will be better for you and for me. Keep your head up and search for God when possible seems impossible.

Know that I will always have your back.

Unfortunately, I felt let down by our disintegration. Please hear me out and do not fear; this is not a public call out.

I wish not to put you to shame, all I desire is for you to see my true attire.

I wear nothing but, my heart on my shoulder. I ask that you remember how much of my heart I revealed to you. I ask that you remember the day we shared a meal and the days we had that felt like months leading to bowling with burgers and locking eyes at a beer-house.

This is not a love story. Just another story about the King herself with whom I had the pleasure to briefly pleasure.

How I wish it was more. But, like I said, I felt let down by our disintegration. A part of me blames a part of you. The other part was in denial; it wondered how and why love could not be delivered between us.

Another part of me quickly let it go and put the pain on life itself. At some point it may have been your fears and insecurities; shit I didn’t mind to have in my life and something I explicitly revealed to you.

I do not blame you for our demise. That’s a lie, I sometimes do, but that’s life. I write just for you to see that I have no words of anger in this letter. I write to have the old you smile again even if it’s towards the new me.

I have changed since we last met. I have changed in many ways. It may not seem so clear but, I really have. It irks me that I can freely reveal this to you. It irks me because I fear that the change in me may not welcome your response. Ultimately, this isn’t really about how I’ve changed.

At this point all I ask from you is to find it in your busy schedule to put me at the bottom of your priorities. At the bottom may sound weird but, it’s better than not being on your mind at all.

And yes, I wish that you can have me on your mind just as much as I was in your dreams before.

Even though this might sound fleeting, it looks like you may lose all respect from repeating.

I fear that you may never take me seriously.

I fear being just another weak man with a naive heart when all I wanted was to love hard.

And as you have seen, this is why I felt let down by you. I am weak and I write this so that these fleeting-like emotions can make me stronger.

In the end, I am glad that we get to share words here and there.

Even though the atmosphere is not the way it used to be. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t happy.

Happiness is otherwise fleeting.

I am well and loved in this house I live in.

Do not fear my apparent loneliness; that as well is fleeting.

This letter may or may not find you; that outcome means little to me because I have now spoken my ultimate truth.

It’s still nice that we get to share words here and there.

 

It’s pointless when we in winter

What a wrech summer love

Feeling confidence just to smell the sound of your picture

 

For Lynn

 

 


 

Photo Credit: Siarhei Plashchynski

 

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